1. My cellphone case. It's blue with white sequins, and I left
it on the dresser by your closet. My carpal tunnel has completely
flared up because it pinches my ulnar nerve to hold the phone when
I walk and talk. I need the phone case back right now.
2. My instant dog-bath washcloths. Jenny is stinky and I think it
is bothering her, and it is definitely bothering me and I won't
have time to give her a bath until Saturday. You know she produces
more oil when she is itchy and it is flea season. The cloths are
in the drawer above the dishwasher.
3. The photos from the Gualala trip. Please burn me a CD. I don't
want to have to download them, so please don't send them via e-mail.
I want them all, not just the ones I took. I was there and I want
to have them all.
4. My black backpack. It's on the floor of your office. Please just
put it aside and don't dig through it. Please have some respect
for my privacy. It's just my papers from work, but I have signed
client confidentiality agreements and I would appreciate it if you
would honor that, even though you didn't honor any of our other
agreements. Perhaps a legally binding agreement such as the ones
I signed with my clients will mean more to you than the promises
you made to me.
5. In the bathroom, on the shelf above the sink: my eyedrops. I
have to put them in every night or I wake up with scratchy eyes,
and I have not been sleeping well so my eyes are even drier. I can
buy more, but I don't see why I should have to when the bottle is
only half used. Also on the shelf: my saline solution. (Please stop
using it if you have been. Use your own.) My glasses case. And on
the windowsill, I left a ChapStick.
6. If you're not going to use the exercise ball, I would
like to have it. You can keep it if you are using it.
7. My black felt pen. It's on your desk next to the computer, or
at least it was when I left. It's my favorite pen and I can't remember
the brand, so even if you think this is petty I do want it back.
If you are using it, I would appreciate it if you would stop, or
at least make sure that the cap is on securely when it is not in
8. This is something you will probably not agree with. But I want
some money for therapy. I have been talking about you for six sessions
straight now, and I don't think it's fair that I should have to
pay for it. If you had not slept with Marlene, I would not be racking
my brain trying to deal with you and all the pain you have caused
me, and I could be working on much more productive things in therapy,
things that benefit me, not this crap that is all about you.
I have endured so much stress over this, I can't even tell you.
It has consumed my waking hours and I don't even get any relief
when I go to sleep because you visit me in my effing dreams, and
I wake up and before I know it I am thinking about you again and
again. I have not been able to do any work and my rent is due in
three days and I don't have the money because I have missed two
deadlines—something, as you know, I have taken pride in not
having done in my whole professional career. I am widely known by
all my clients as someone who is trustworthy and reliable, and I
take great pride in these characteristics. And you have made me
break that lifelong pattern. I have let people down, and I have
let myself down, and you are off with Marlene and you are not taking
responsibility for the breadth of the harm you are causing. So.
I anticipate that I will be over you in approximately four weeks.
I already get a discounted fee of $80, and I am willing to pay for
half of it. As I said, I have already put six weeks into this, so
that is 10 weeks at $80 per hour, or $800. I would like to leave
the end date open, but I would like at least to agree on $400 from
you to start.
9. I know that I can't ask you to move, even though I don't think
I should have to bump into you and Marlene. Even if I don't see
you or one of your pseudo-intellectual, pretentious, underemployed
"friends," I shouldn't have to stress out about it and
worry and look around. I would like you to try to consolidate your
errands so I can at least organize my day in a peaceful way. And
if you want to leave for a while, I think that it would be generous
of you, to give me a break. I know that you are not a generous person,
although you can be when you choose to, and I would ask that you
look into your core and try to remember when you used to care for
me and be nice to me and try to remember what those feelings felt
like, and tap into those feelings, and think about leaving town
for a while.
10. I will be in your neighborhood with Jenny on Wednesday at 3
p.m. for a reiki appointment. I would like to pick up my stuff from
you then, and I would appreciate it if you would be there to help
me load my car. Part of me does not want to see you and I know that
it will upset me to see you and have things be so different between
us, and I know that it is in my best interest to stay away from
you completely, but I don't think that I should have to load everything
into my car by myself, especially if you are going to let me have
the exercise ball. It is not heavy, but it is cumbersome, and since
I will have the dog, it will take some arranging in the car. I would
appreciate it, and I know this goes without saying but I will say
it anyway, and that is that I would appreciate it if Marlene is
not there. I do not need to see her smug face, especially during
this painful time. She is not a sensitive person. I don't know what
you see in her. Obviously she has certain gifts that are obvious
to the outsider, but I mean in terms of what kind of person she
is, I don't think she is a good person and I don't respect her values.
I know you don't care what I think. But anyone who does not respect
the boundaries of another person's relationship has a moral structure
that I think is questionable and, frankly, I think you should question
it. If she screws me, so to speak, she will probably screw you later.
She will hurt you, and even though we are not in a relationship
anymore, I still care about you and I would not feel comfortable
with myself if I did not warn you about her.
11. I will have been at the reiki appointment for a good part of
the morning and Jenny will be a bit stir crazy and I will need to
walk her before I drive home, so if you want to take a walk when
I get there to talk about things, I would be open to that. I will
need to take a walk then anyway. You are welcome to come.
12. You have left some things at my house as well. I will bring
them. There is your anorak jacket, which I'm sure you have been
wanting. I hung it up, though you left it on the floor, and I can
bring it over on Wednesday. I also have: your Radiohead CD, your
chili cookbook and your white T-shirt that you gave me to sleep
in. I would like to keep the T-shirt. It is a light cotton and I
have gotten used to sleeping with that weight. I will give it back
to you if you want. I also have the stuffed Shamu that you won at
SeaWorld. I assume that he was a gift for me, but I am learning,
slowly, that I can't make any assumptions with you. Please let me
know if you want Shamu back or if he is mine to keep.
13. If Wednesday is not convenient for you, it is fine with me if
you bring my things over to my house. We can do a handoff and you
can pick up your things here and drop off mine. I will be at work
during the day, of course, but if you want to come by in the evening,
that is fine. I have plans for various nights, but let me know what
evening works for you and I will let you know if I am here, or can
arrange to be so. I would like to work this out in a peaceful way,
so I am willing to be flexible.
14. If it will smooth things over for me to say it, then all right,
I'm sorry for "hitting" Marlene with the car. I barely
made contact with her and, honestly, I'm not sure the car even touched
her. The whole "falling down" thing was totally over the
top on her part. We both know that I was just trying to get her
to move so I could leave with some degree of dignity intact. But
I am willing to meet you halfway, so if it helps for me to say it
then I will say it (to you, not to her): I'm sorry.
15. When you stop by with my things, I would appreciate it if you
would block out some time to talk to me. I think that if you just
came here and dropped off my stuff it would be very upsetting, and
I would like to process it a little with you before you just leave
to go be with Marlene again. I am not asking for a marriage proposal,
so please don't take it that way. Believe me, that is the last thing
that I want from you. I want to move on. But I would like to talk
with you, calmly, and I think that it would help me to process what
you did to me and perhaps shorten the amount of time that I have
to spend processing it in therapy, so if you look at it from a financial
standpoint, it would be the most cost-effective approach for both
of us. I am free on Thursday after 8 or Friday after 7. I would
like to see you and talk to you, and I know that it is over between
us and I am fine with that, I am glad about that, but we had something
that was very important to me and I believe that it was important
to you, too, even though you threw it away. Please let me know what
you would like to do.